Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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