I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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