So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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