beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
