I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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