Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
