I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
