Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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