My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
love makes seman taste better
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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