I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
God, I missed his penis.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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