Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
nutella sex= disaster
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
