Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Acid is not a monday night drug
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
