what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
