I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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