yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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