you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
