3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
