I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
