dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
