WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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