Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
