If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
