i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my phone needs a breathalizer
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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