She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
