the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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