O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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