Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
