if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
