I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
