yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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