know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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