I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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