my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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