I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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