Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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