It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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