just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My ATM looks so different sober.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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