every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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