if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
