I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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