We won't sleep together?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
