I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
