why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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