What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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