You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
