i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
