My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
