Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
