based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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