Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
