Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
